[ Shutter Whirring ]
l need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek boy...
who's going to spray his shorts whenever l bring a girlfriend home from school.
What a lame-o.
Someone really should just put him out of his misery.
[ Boy ] You want me to kill him for you ?
Yeah. Would you ?
[ Shutter Whirring, Clicking Off ]
[ Man Narrating ] My name is Lester Burnham.
This is my neighbourhood.
This is my street.
This is my life.
l'm 4 2 years old. ln less than a year, l'll be dead.
[ Alarm Ringing ]
Of course, l don't know that yet.
And in a way, l'm dead already.
Look at me.: jerking off in the shower.
This will be the high point of my day. lt's all downhill from here.
That's my wife, Carolyn.
See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs ?
- That's not an accident. - [ Dog Barking ]
[ Man ] Hush, Bitsy!
- Hush. What is wrong with you ? - That's our next-door neighbour, Jim.
-And that's his lover, Jim. - [ Both Arguing ]
- You spoil her. Bitsy, no bark. Come inside now. - Me ?
- Come on. Yes. lnside. - [ Carolyn ] Good morning, Jim !
Good morning, Carolyn.
l love your tie ! That colour !
l just love your roses. How do you get them to flourish like this ?
Well, l'll tell you: eggshells and Miracle-Gro.
-l've never heard that. -Man, l get exhausted just watching her.
She wasn't always like this. She used to be happy.
We used to be happy.
My daughterJane. Only child.
-Janie's a pretty typical teenager.: - [ Computer Beeps ]
angry, insecure, confused.
l wish l could tell her that's all going to pass, but l don't want to lie to her.
[ Horn Honking ]
Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive ?
- Yes. - Congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.
Lester, could you make me a little later, please, because l'm not quite late enough.
[ Mutters, lndistinct ]
Nice going, Dad.
[ Lester Narrating ] Both my wife and daughter think l'm this gigantic loser.
And they're right.
l have lost something.
l'm not exactly sure what it is,
but l know l didn't always feel this...
sedated.
But you know what ?
lt's never too late to get it back.
Hello. This is Lester Burnham from Media Monthly magazine.
l'm calling for Mr Tamblin, please.
Well, we're all under a deadline here. You see, there's some basic information...
about your product launch that isn't even covered in your press release, and l'd--
Yeah, c-- can l ask you a question ?
Who is Tamblin ? Does he exist ? 'Cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.
Yeah. Okay. l'll leave my number.
lt's 555-0 1 99.
Lester Burnham. Thank you !
Hey, Les. You got a minute ?
For you, Brad, l got five !
So, yeah, l'm sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here.
Oh, sure. Times are tight.
You got to free up some cash. You got to spend money to make money.
- Right ? - Exactly.
Like the time that Mr Flournoy used the company MasterCard to pay for that hooker,
and she used the card numbers and stayed at the St. Regis for, what was it, three months ?
- That's unsubstantiated gossip. - That's $50,000. That's somebody's salary.
That's somebody who's going to get fired because Craig has to pay women to fuck him !
Jesus!
l mean, calm down. Nobody's getting fired yet.
- [ Scoffs ] - That's why we're having everyone...
write out a job description mapping out in detail how they contribute.
That way management can assess who's valuable--
And who's expendable.
lt's just business.
l've been writing for this magazine for 1 4 years.
- You've been here how long ? A whole month ? - l'm one of the good guys, Les.
l'm trying to level with you.
This is your one chance to save your job.
[ Carolyn ] There is no decision. You just write the damn thing.
- [ Lester ] You don't think it's weird and kind of fascist ? - Possibly.
- But you don't want to be unemployed. - All right.
Let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan 'cause it's more convenient that way.
Oh, could you be a little bit more dramatic, please, huh ?
So, we finally got new neighbours.
You know, if the Lomans had let me represent them instead of the Real Estate King,
that house would never have sat on the market for six months.
Well, they were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore.
Their sycamore ? Come on.
A substantial portion of the root structure was on our property.
You know that. How can you call it their sycamore ?
l wouldn't have the heart to just cut down something if it wasn't partially mine, which, of course, it was.
[ Stereo.: lnstrumental ]
[ Woman Singing ] Bali Ha'i
They call you
- [ Continues, lndistinct ] - Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music ?
No. No, we don't.
And as soon you've prepared a nutritious yet savoury meal that l'm about to eat,
you can listen to whatever you like.
So,Janie, how was school ?
lt was okay.
Just okay ?
No, Dad. lt was spectacular.
Well, you want to know how things went in my job today ?
They've hired this efficiency expert,
this really friendly guy named Brad--
How perfect is that ? And he's basically there to make it seem they're justified...
in firing somebody, because they couldn't just come out and say that, could they ?
No, no. That would just be too honest. So they've asked us--
[ Chuckling ] You couldn't possibly care less, could you ?
What do you expect ?
You can't all of a sudden be my best friend just because you had a bad day.
l mean, hello, you've barely even spoken to me for months.
Oh, what ? You're ''Mother of the Year'' ?
- [ Muttering ] You treat her like an employee. - What ?
[ Shouts ] What ?
l'm going to get some ice cream.
Janie...
l'm sorry l haven't been more available.
l'm just-- l--
You know, you don't always have to wait for me to come to you.
Oh, great. So now it's my fault ?
l didn't say that. lt's nobody's fault. lt--
Janie, what happened ? We used to be pals.
[ lnaudible ]
[ Water Running ]
[ Humming ]
[ Stops Humming ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Exhales Forcefully ]
l will sell this house today.
[ Coughing ]
l will sell this house today.
Welcome. l'm Carolyn Burnham.
This living room is very dramatic.
Wait till you see the native stone fireplace!
A simple cream could really lighten things up. You could even put in a skylight.
Well, why don't we go into the kitchen ?
lt's a dream come true for any cook.
Just filled with positive energy, huh ?
And you'll be surprised how much a ceiling fan can cut down on your energy costs.
You know, you could have some fun backyard get-togethers out here.
The ad said this pool was lagoon-like. There's nothing lagoon-like about it.
Except for maybe the bugs. There aren't even any plants out here.
What do you call this ? ls this not a plant ?
lf you have a problem with the plants, l can always call my landscape architect.
- Solved. - l mean, l think ''lagoon,'' l think waterfall, tropical.
This is a cement hole.
Uh...
l have some tiki torches in the garage.
[ Crying ]
Shut up ! Stop it ! You weak-- You baby !
Shut up ! Shut up ! Shut up !
[ Gasping ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Drums Beating Rhythmically ]
[ Players Shouting To Each Other ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Who are you looking for ?
My parents are coming tonight.
They're trying to, you know, take an active interest in me.
Gross. l hate it when my mom does that.
They're such assholes. Why can't they just have their own lives ?
[ Girls Screeching ]
[ Lester ] What makes you sure she wants us to be there ? Did she ask us to come ?
Of course not. She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her.
But she's been practising for weeks.
l'll bet she's going to resent it, and l'm missing the James Bond marathon on T.N.T.
Lester, this is important. l'm sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane.
''Growing'' ? She hates me.
- She's just wilful. - She hates you too.
[ All Shouting ]
[ Girls Cheering ]
- Excuse me. Sorry. l'm sorry. - Pardon me.
- [ Buzzer Sounding ] - Hi ! Patty !
[ Announcer Over P.A. ] Now, for your halftime entertainment,
Rockwell High's award-winning Dancing Spartanettes!
We can leave right after this, right ?
[ Band Playing ''On Broadway'']
[ Audience Clapping ln Tune ]
[ Ambient Noise Fades ]
[ ''On Broadway''Finishes ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Shit. They're still here.
Janie !
Hey, l really enjoyed that.
-Congratulations, honey. You were great. -l didn't win anything.
- Hi. l'm Lester,Janie's dad. - Oh, hi.
This is my friend, Angela Hayes.
Okay. Good to meet you.
You were also good tonight, very... precise.
- Thanks. - Nice to meet you, Angela.
Honey-- [ Grunts ] l am so proud of you.
You know, l watched you very closely. You didn't screw up once.
Okay, uh, we have to go.
- So what are you girls doing now ? - Dad.
- We're going out for pizza. - Really ? Do you need a ride ? We can give you a ride.
- l have a car. You want to come with us ? - Thanks, but l have a car.
You have a car. That's great. That's great.
Janie's thinking about getting a car, too, soon, aren't you ?
Dad, Mom's waiting for you.
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Angela.
Any friend ofJanie's...
is a... friend of mine. [ Exhales ]
Well... l'll be seeing you around, then.
Could he be any more... pathetic ?
l think he's sweet.
And l think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.
[ Lester Narrating ] lt's the weirdest thing.
l feel like l've been in a coma for about 20 years...
and l'm just now waking up.
Spec-tacular.
[ Radio.: Rock ]
l'm so sorry my dad was weird tonight.
That's okay.
l'm used to guys drooling over me.
lt started when l was about 1 2.
l'd go to dinner with my parents.
Every Thursday night: Red Lobster. [ Chuckles ]
Every guy there would stare at me when l walked in.
And l knew what they were thinking,
just like l knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off.
- Vomit. - No. l liked it.
l still like it. lf people l don't even know look at me and want to fuck me,
it means l really have a shot at being a model.
Which is great,
because there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary.
l really think it'll happen for you.
l know.
Because everything that was meant to happen, does... eventually.
Asshole.
[ Shower Running ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Angela ] Hello ? Hello ?
- [ Clanking ] - [ Phone Beeps Off ]
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello ? - Why'd you call me ?
l didn't.
Well, my phone just rang and l answered it, and somebody hung up.
- And l star-69ed, and l called you back. - Well, l was in the shower.
Oh, gross !
[ Woman ] Ricky! Breakfast!
Be right there.
- Mom. - Hello.
l don't eat bacon, remember ?
l'm sorry. l must've forgotten.
What's new in the world, Dad ?
This country is going straight to hell.
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
- Are you expecting anyone ? - No.
No.
- Hi. - Welcome to the neighbourhood.
- lt's just a little something from our garden. - Except for the pasta.
- We got that at Fallaci's. - Right. lt's unbelievably fresh.
You just-- You drop it in the water, and it's done.
Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down. Welcome to the neighbourhood.
Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.
- lt's nice to meet you. This is my partner-- -Jim Berkley, but call me J.B.
Let's cut to chase, okay ? What are you guys selling ?
- [ Chuckles ] We-- - Nothing. We just wanted to say hi to our new neighbours.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you're partners, so what's your business ?
Well... he is a tax attorney.
And he's an anaesthesiologist.
[ Frank Humming ]
How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face ?
How can they be so shameless ?
- [ Resumes Humming ] - That's the whole thing, Dad.
They don't feel that's anything to be ashamed of.
Well, it is.
- Yeah, you're right. - Don't placate me like l'm your mother, boy.
Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly,
but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
Well, me too, son. Yeah. Me too.
[ Frank Resumes Humming ]
[ Angela ] l'm serious. Hejust pulled down his pants and yanked it out.
- You know, like, ''Say hello to Mr Happy. '' - Gross !
- lt wasn't gross. lt was kind of cool. - So did you do it with him ?
Of course. He's a really well-known photographer.
He shoots for Elle on, like, a regular basis.
- lt would've been majorly stupid of me to turn him down. - You are a total prostitute.
Hey, that's how things really are.
You just don't know because you're this pampered little suburban chick.
So are you. You've only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat.
So stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington !
Cunt !
l am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.
- Oh, my God. That's the pervert who filmed me last night. - Him ?
Jane. No way. He's a total lunatic.
- Do you know him ? - Yeah.
We were on the same lunch shift when l was in ninth grade,
and he would always save the most random, weird things.
And then one day, he was just, like, gone.
And then Connie Cardullo told me that his parents had to put him in a mental institution.
Why ? What did he do ?
What do you mean ?
Well, they can't put you away just for saying weird things.
You total slut. You've got a crush on him.
- What ? Please ! - You are defending him. You love him.
- You want to have, like, 1 0,000 of his babies. - Shut up.
Hi. My name's Ricky. l just moved next door to you.
l know.
l kind of remember this creepy incident where you were filming me last night ?
- l didn't mean to scare you. l just think you're interesting. - Thanks.
But l really don't need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now.
l'm not obsessing. l'm just curious.
What a freak.
And why does he dress like a Bible salesman ?
He's, like, so confident.
That can't be real.
l don't believe him.
l mean, he didn't even, like, look at me once.
[ Bugle: ''Reveille'' ]
- How'd you get in the Army ? - Sergeant, l got three reasons for being in the Army.
First, l'm patriotic. Second, l love my country. And third, they nailed me.
[ Laughs ]
[ TVChatter Continues ]
[ Lock Rattling ]
[ Door Closes ]
Hey.
- What's going on here ? - Bend all the way down. Here comes the Bull of the Woods.
l'm sorry. What ?
Mom, nobody said anything.
Oh. l'm sorry.
[ Latin Beat ]
Everyone here is with their spouse or significant other.
- How would it look if l showed up with no one ? - You always end up ignoring me.
Now, listen to me. This is an important business function.
As you know, my business is selling an image,
and part of my job is to live that image.
Honey, do me a favour and say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.
All right. Hi, Shirley !
Listen. Just do me a favour. Act happy tonight.
- [ High Voice ] l am happy, honey ! - You're not-- Oh, that's Buddy !
- Buddy! Buddy! Hi! - Hi.
Good to see you again.
-lt's so good to see you too, Catherine. -Carolyn.
Oh, Carolyn ! Of course. How are you ?
- Very well, thank you. Hello, Christy. - Hello.
- My husband, Lester. - lt's a pleasure.
Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year. Christmas at the Sheraton.
Oh, yeah !
Oh, it's okay. l wouldn't remember me either.
Honey, don't be weird.
- All right, honey. l won't be weird. - Okay.
l'll be whatever you want me to be.
Well, oka--
- We have a very healthy relationship. - l see.
[ Sighs ]
Well, l don't know about you guys, but l need a drink.
Ohh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Put a little more in there, cowboy.
[ Carolyn, Buddy Shrieking With Laughter ]
[ Groaning ]
Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail? The house with the red door?
- Yeah. - l'm Ricky Fitts. l just moved in the house next to you.
Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. l'm Lester Burnham.
Hi, Lester Burnham.
- Do you party ? - Excuse me ?
Do you get high ?
You know, l probably wouldn't even tell you this if l weren't a little tipsy, but...
l'm in complete awe of you.
l mean, your firm...
is hands-down the Rolls-Royce of local real estate firms,
and your personal sales record is--
[ Clicks Tongue, Sighs ] lt's very intimidating.
You know, l'd love to sit down with you and just pick your brain,
- [ Chuckles ] - if you'd ever be willing.
You know, l suppose technically l'm the competition,
but l mean, hey, l don't flatter myself...
that l'm even in the same league as you.
l don't.
l'd love to.
- Really ? - Absolutely.
Call my secretary. Have her schedule a lunch.
l'll do that. Thank you.
[ Lester ] Did you ever see that movie where the body is walking around...
carrying its own head, and then the head goes down on that babe ?
- [ Both Laughing ] - [ Ricky ] Re-Animator.
[ Both Continue Laughing ]
- [ Both Stop Laughing ] - Look.
l'm not paying you to do whatever it is you're doing out here.
Fine. So don't pay me.
Excuse me ?
l quit, so you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.
Asshole.
l think you just became my personal hero.
Doesn't that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that ?
Well, l guess when you're all of, what, 1 6--
Eighteen. l just do these gigs as a cover.
l have other sources of income.
But my dad interferes less in my life when l pretend...
to be an upstanding young citizen with a respectable job.
[ Carolyn ] Lester ?
- What are you doing ? - Honey, this is... Ricky Fitts.
[ Wheezing Laugh ] This is Ricky Fitts.
[ Continues Laughing Hysterically ]
l'm Ricky Fitts. l just moved into the house next to you.
l go to school with your daughter.
- With Jane ? - Yeah.
- Really ? -Jane.
Hi. l'm ready to go. l'll meet you out front.
- [ Whimpering Laugh ] Oh, l'm in trouble. - [ Chuckles ]
Nice meeting you, Ricky. Thanks for the thing.
Anytime. Lester ?
lf you want any more, you know where l live.
[ Laughs ]
- [ On TV ] - [ Door Closes ]
Oh, shit. They're home. Quick. Let's go up to my room.
l should say hi to your dad.
l don't want to be rude.
Nice suit.
You're looking good, Mr Burnham.
Last time l saw you, you looked kind of wound up.
Ooh, is that root beer ?
l love root beer, don't you ?
- Hey. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi. - Remember Angela ?
Yes, of course.
l forgot to tell you. She's going to spend the night. ls that okay ?
[ Coughing, Choking ]
- [Jane ] Sorry about my dad. - [ Angela ] Don't be. l think it's funny.
Yeah, to you he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones.
But to me, he's just... too embarrassing to live.
Well, your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phoney.
- But your dad's actually kind of cute. - Shut up.
[ Angela ] He is. lf hejust worked out a little, he'd be hot.
- Shut up ! - Come on.
Like you've never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear ? l bet he's got a big dick.
[Jane Laughing ] You are so grossing me out right now.
[ Angela ] lf he built up his chest and arms, l would totally fuck him.
- La, la, la, la, la, la - l would. l would suck your dad's big fat dick,
and then l'd fuck him until his eyes rolled back in his head.
- [ Rattling ] -Jane, shh. What was that noise ?
- l swear l heard something. - Yeah.
That was the sound of you being a huge, disgusting pig.
- No, l'm serious. - [ Rattling ]
See ?
- Oh, my God. Jane. - What is it ?
lt's that psycho next door.
Jane, what if he worships you ?
What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
Shit. l bet he's filming us right now.
Really ?
[ Clattering ]
Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.
- [ Knocking ] - [ Frank ] Ricky ?
Coming, Dad.
You know l don't like locked doors in my house, boy.
- l'm sorry. l must've locked it by accident. - Mm.
[ Ricky ] So what's up ?
l-- l need a urine sample.
Wow.
lt's been six months already.
Can l give it to you in the morning ? l just took a whiz.
Yeah. l suppose.
Y-You know--
Well, good night, son.
[ Water Dripping ]
l've been waiting for you.
You've been working out, haven't you ?
l can tell.
l was hoping you could give me a bath.
l'm very, very dirty.
What are you doing ?
Nothing.
- You were masturbating. - [ Whispers ] l was not.
Yes, you were.
Oh, all right. So shoot me. l was whacking off.
That's right. l was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot.
You know, saying ''hi'' to my monster.
That's disgusting.
Well, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.
- So do l. - Really ?
Well, l'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
[ Grunts ] Lester, l refuse to live like this !
This is not a marriage.
This hasn't been a marriage for years,
but you were happy as long as l kept my mouth shut.
Well, guess what. l've changed.
And the new me whacks off when he feels horny...
'cause you're obviously not going to help me out in that department.
l see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated.
l'm not ? Well, then, come on, baby. l'm ready.
Don't you mess with me, mister.
l will divorce you so fast, it'll make your head spin.
On what grounds ?
l'm not a drunk. l don't fuck other women.
l don't mistreat you. l've never hit you.
l don't even try to touch you, since you made it so abundantly clear...
just how unnecessary you consider me to be !
But... l did support you when you got your licence.
And some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours.
Oh !
So, turn out the light when you come back to bed, okay ?
[ Lester Narrating ] lt's a great thing when you realize you still have...
the ability to surprise yourself.
Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.
Hey, guys.
Lester. l didn't know you ran.
- l just started. - Good for you.
l figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. l need to shape up, fast.
Are you looking to just lose weight, or do you want to have...
increased strength and flexibility as well ?
l-- l want to look good naked.
[ Squeaking ]
Oh, what is this ? Fuckin'gay pride parade ?
Hey ! Yo, Ricky.
[ Panting ]
My entire life is passing before my eyes, and those two have barely broken a sweat.
Sorry. Hi. Lester Burnham. l live next door. We haven't met.
Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.
Oh, whoa. Well.
Welcome to the neighbourhood, sir.
Ricky, uh--
l was thinking about the, uh-- l was gonna-- The movie we talked about.
- Re-Animator. - Yeah !
You want to borrow it ? Okay. lt's up in my room. Come on.
- Can you hold this for a sec ? - Sure.
l don't think my dad would try to come in while someone else is here, but you never know.
- What is this ? - Urine.
l have to take a drug test every six months just to make sure l'm clean.
Are you kidding ? You just smoked with me last night.
lt's not mine.
One of my clients is a nurse in a paediatrician's office.
Cut her a deal, she keeps me in clean piss.
You like Pink Floyd ?
l like a lot of music.
Man, l haven't listened to this album in years.
How much do you want ?
l don't know. lt's been a while. Um, how much is an ounce ?
This is totally decent, and it's 300.
Wow !
This shit is top of the line.
lt's called G-1 3. lt's genetically engineered by the U.S. government.
lt's extremely potent, but a completely mellow high. No paranoia.
ls that what we smoked last night ?
This is all l ever smoke.
- How much ? - Two grand.
Jesus !
Things have changed since 1 9 73.
- You don't have to pay now. l know you're good for it. - Thanks.
There's a card in there with my beeper number.
Beep me anytime, day or night.
And l only accept cash.
Now l know how you can afford all this equipment.
God. When l was your age, l flipped burgers all summer just to buy an eight-track.
- That sucks. - No, actually it was great.
All l did was party and get laid.
l had my whole life ahead of me.
My dad thinks l pay for all this with catering jobs.
Never underestimate the power of denial.
[ Humming ]
- [ Music Playing, Faint ] - [ Sniffing ]
There must be some way out of here
Said thejoker to the thief
There's too much confusion
- l can't get no relief - What the hell do you think you're doing ?
- Uh-oh. Mom's mad. - [ Continues ]
Bench presses.
l'm going to whale on my pecks, and then l'm going to do my back.
l see you're smoking pot now. l-- l'm so glad.
l think using illegal psychotropic substances...
is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
Uh-- Lester !
You have such hostility in you.
Do you mind ? l'm trying to work out here. Unless... you want to spot me.
Lester, you will not get away with this.
- You can be sure of that. - There are many here among us
- That's... what... - Who feel that life is but a joke
you... think.
''My job consists of basically masking...
''my contempt for the assholes in charge...
''and at least once a day retiring to the men's room...
''so l can jerk off...
''while l fantasize about a life...
that doesn't so closely resemble hell.''
Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.
Brad, for 1 4 years, l've been a whore for the advertising industry.
The only way l could save myself now is if l start firebombing.
Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.
Just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me,
considering the information l have about our editorial director...
buying pussy with company money ?
Which l think would interest the l.R.S.,
since it technically constitutes fraud.
And l'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications...
might like to know about it as well, not to mention... Craig's wife.
- What do you want ? - One year's salary with benefits.
That's not going to happen.